I need to admit how much my meds do help me function through a normal day. Not that I don't recognize their importance and certainly the impact they've had on my life since I first went on them on October or November 2008. But somehow I continue to let myself slide into a pattern of sloth, particularly on the weekends. I'll let taking my meds go for 2 to 3 days and wonder why I feel like I'm drowning.
I was up very early this morning - I work at 5am so 'up very early' can be between 1am and 2am - with the intention of getting everything ready for work and putting a stop into the grocery store. 4am rolled around and I found myself still sitting slack-jawed on the couch, buried in TV and the manic side of my mind trying to break through the wall.
After a massive debate about calling in sick, I pushed into work and locked into my desk, my brain awash in everything from comfort to disdain, worrying about money, enjoying that the pace this Monday is quick enough for me to lose track of time.
When I got to my first break, I was able to pop my [little] blue heaven - still tempted to test if the new label "chewable" wasn't a misprint - and it's almost scary how quickly it helps right the ship. I'm to the point now where the effects are swift, which both fascinates and elates me as well as worries me about my brain chemistry. I don't feel a dependence - SLOTH! - but how can I ignore that nigh immediate response.
You'd think I'd be happy to keep an even keel everyday and yet, somehow, that always seems to slip, well, my mind.
Meds
7:45am - 200mg Lamotrigine
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