My [Little] Blue Heaven

I need to admit how much my meds do help me function through a normal day. Not that I don't recognize their importance and certainly the impact they've had on my life since I first went on them on October or November 2008. But somehow I continue to let myself slide into a pattern of sloth, particularly on the weekends. I'll let taking my meds go for 2 to 3 days and wonder why I feel like I'm drowning.

I was up very early this morning - I work at 5am so 'up very early' can be between 1am and 2am - with the intention of getting everything ready for work and putting a stop into the grocery store. 4am rolled around and I found myself still sitting slack-jawed on the couch, buried in TV and the manic side of my mind trying to break through the wall.

After a massive debate about calling in sick, I pushed into work and locked into my desk, my brain awash in everything from comfort to disdain, worrying about money, enjoying that the pace this Monday is quick enough for me to lose track of time.

When I got to my first break, I was able to pop my [little] blue heaven - still tempted to test if the new label "chewable" wasn't a misprint - and it's almost scary how quickly it helps right the ship. I'm to the point now where the effects are swift, which both fascinates and elates me as well as worries me about my brain chemistry. I don't feel a dependence - SLOTH! - but how can I ignore that nigh immediate response.

You'd think I'd be happy to keep an even keel everyday and yet, somehow, that always seems to slip, well, my mind.

Meds
7:45am - 200mg Lamotrigine

Pressed

I've been living the last few weeks like a shotgun has been held to the base of my skull, feeling the cold steel of the muzzle pressed into the warm flesh of my neck. A rather odd feeling to be sure. Waking each morning with a sense of longing; facing each night with ambivalence and a feeling not quite of desperation.

I could rattle on ad nauseum about how change needs to happen but it's the normal platitudes and phony positivism that you probably tell yourself in the mirror all the time. I'm tired to regurgitating the same junk. Tired of hearing the same thoughts play at the strings of my brain. I'm just tired.

I've been in a hole financially for the last few months and it has overwhelmed my life. All of my focus has been poured into that and it has absolutely drained my lifeforce. I spend most of my time when not at work sleeping now and often not by choice. I'm tired of this life I've built for myself and that doesn't play well with a mixed bi-polar state.

So, the feeling of the gun against me is more to dissolve this specific life and not my life in general. I'm still very much a fan of what life has to offer. It's now a matter of taking the offers. I saw a friend's tweet the other night about loving what you do to put your heart into it. I haven't done that for years. It's so simple even to the point of cliche but sometimes you need to be reminded of the simple truths to wake up to life.

Meds

Admittedly, taking my lamotrigine (Lamictal) has been spotty the last couple of months. Two reasons, money and just sheet laziness. Getting back on a regimen and can start to feel the positive effects.