I've been living the last few weeks like a shotgun has been held to the base of my skull, feeling the cold steel of the muzzle pressed into the warm flesh of my neck. A rather odd feeling to be sure. Waking each morning with a sense of longing; facing each night with ambivalence and a feeling not quite of desperation.
I could rattle on ad nauseum about how change needs to happen but it's the normal platitudes and phony positivism that you probably tell yourself in the mirror all the time. I'm tired to regurgitating the same junk. Tired of hearing the same thoughts play at the strings of my brain. I'm just tired.
I've been in a hole financially for the last few months and it has overwhelmed my life. All of my focus has been poured into that and it has absolutely drained my lifeforce. I spend most of my time when not at work sleeping now and often not by choice. I'm tired of this life I've built for myself and that doesn't play well with a mixed bi-polar state.
So, the feeling of the gun against me is more to dissolve this specific life and not my life in general. I'm still very much a fan of what life has to offer. It's now a matter of taking the offers. I saw a friend's tweet the other night about loving what you do to put your heart into it. I haven't done that for years. It's so simple even to the point of cliche but sometimes you need to be reminded of the simple truths to wake up to life.
Meds
Admittedly, taking my lamotrigine (Lamictal) has been spotty the last couple of months. Two reasons, money and just sheet laziness. Getting back on a regimen and can start to feel the positive effects.
